Sometimes when I start thinking too much, or internalizing everything , a small earthquake erupts inside me that vibrates through everything in my life.
It's the strange way that you can never tell what happened first to cause it.
But somehow you are tail spinning out of control. The strange answer looping lately has simply been,
"you are this way because you are choosing it."
I'm not going to get too heavy in this post, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about Plath, and the Bell Jar, and that line in the book delivered by her mother.
After going to see a therapist she informs her mother she is not going back to see him.
When she tells her mother she refuses to go back, her mother smugly announces, "I knew you'd decide to be all right."
Esther's mental state worsens. She describes her depression as a feeling of being trapped under a bell jar, struggling for breath.
Ok, don't panic just yet, I guess my random point to myself in all of this is, stop thinking- stop trying to figure it all out, stop making sense and start painting. (Don't fret folks--that bell jar suicide thing wasn't part of my blog plan)
p.s. this always happens when I start going along with the flow and don't spend enough time making things. An internal traffic jam of ideas that are waiting. Frustration mounts and generally I have that weird feeling that if I don't just go home and work for days and days I may burst into a million tiny pieces.
It could also be a direct result of it being Sunday, the day I have a lot more time on my hands.
My sweet friend H told me today "And plus sometimes the deep feelings start to make you feel like you're thinking in a language nobody else speaks. Or as if you are still looking for something that feels like home."